Erwin x Reader: Trust

 
     How many times have my eyes seen death?
 
     All of them raise their swords towards the gigantic humans, always trying to aim for their weak point. The nape. But, they somehow fail. Crushed under their huge foot, bit in half, picked out of the air. 
 
     Our soldiers get hurt in every way. 
 
     But, the most painful is death.
 
     Seeing someone die in front of you. I have seen that many times, and I always get the guilt and sorrow when I see the blood splutter out of their body. 
 
     People say I was strange. That I felt no guilt when people die. No, they got it wrong.
 
     All the bodies that were eaten, crushed, ripped. I always happen to look at their faces during the last moment if I was nearby. The look of terror, fear. Every soldier, they give up their hearts for humanity. For hope.
 
     Hope to bring down the monstrous creatures that we call Titans. Offer your hearts to humanity, in hope for mankind to win a forever lasting battle.
 
     Those soldiers that died, I put my trust in them. I knew that they would aid somehow, even in life and death. It would bring us a bit further, eventually turning to a giant step. To victory. 
 
     I know that all of us will die someday to the Titans. But I, Erwin Smith, have caused the many deaths of the soldiers within the Survey Corps.
 
     But, it is all for humanity. All of them must of known that they would die if they join our region, but for the sake of what? For who? 
 
     For the rest of us. The people that remain standing. Others die in order to protect friends, family, and even acquaintances. Yet, their dying screams echo everywhere. During every expedition, every battle.
 
     We want freedom. Beyond the walls. We take expeditions outside, research. In return however, we bring back less than 30% of our soldiers back. The remaining try to gather the bodies of the dead, so we could burn them instead of having them rot by the Titans. 
 
     My goal is for humanity to rise and become the dominant species. To overcome the Titans— To no longer shiver in fear. I was willing to sacrifice everything. Albeit, there was one thing I wasn't ready to give up to Death. No, I take that back. To the enemy.  
 
     Her. 
 
     [First] [Last]. 
 
     She was a great soldier. One who fully gave up their heart, while knowing the odds were high of dying. And yet, [First] joined us. She looked innocent, but didn't hold any mercy to the Titans. 
 
     "Aren't you afraid?" 
 
     I asked her that question one day. I never thought I would grown attached to someone. To love them to a point I didn't want her to be in a different squad. Inseparable. 
 
     But, our invisible string that connected us together broke. [First] suddenly just. . . disappeared. 
 
     [First] looked at me, with a bit of thought in her eyes. I already predicted her answer in my thoughts. She was so special to me for some reason. [First] knew of the soft person that was under that mask I often wore. 
 
     She was a delicate flower. 
 
     "I am afraid, Erwin." She used my first name. Like I recommended to her. "Every time I go beyond those towering walls, I always feel the nervousness hit me. Will I die? Will my friends die? 
 
     "The outcome was always questionable. I've only been on one expedition, but I felt like I was literally going to be Titan food. But, for whatever the reason is, I feel my timidness and nervousness disappear whenever I'm around you."
 
     I never thought that I would feel depressed over a person. I usually get over it quickly, but this was [First]. She meant something to me. 
 
     During the expedition, [First] was assigned to my squad after my proposal. After a while after setting out, we managed to capture the Female Titan after Hanji suggested that we set up a trap for her, with Levi's Squad acting as the bait. I was slightly surprised Levi agreed to this.
 
     Everything should of worked out in the end. 
 
     While Levi was trying to get the person inside of the Female Titan out, taunting her during the process, [First] decided to depart from us for a little bit. She was standing next to me as she told me, and I remembered how her cloak was flowing and flicking behind her as she flew off. 
 
     "I'm just going to check on Levi's group since Levi's not there. Is that okay Erwin?"

     I shouldn't have let her go. 
 
     I didn't even get glimpses of [First] throughout the rest of the expedition. I was worried a bit, but she was a strong person. She could be independent when she wanted to be, while somehow relying on others. Everyone that seemed to now her seemed to avoid me when we retreated back inside the walls. 
 
     "Erwin, I have something to tell you before I leave with you on the fifty-seventh expedition." I looked down a bit at [First], since she was a bit shorter than me. I could see sadness in her [e/c] eyes that matched her [h/c] hair. 
 
     "Don't be silly, [First]. I won't allow you to die out there. I'll be beside you, remember?"
 
     She was silent for a moment, before nodding. "Just in case. 
 
     "I love you."
 
     I finally managed to get Levi to get on the subject of [First], and he seemed a bit mad and hesitant to talk to me then.
 
     His glare seemed to harden a little as I waited for an answer. I saw his mouth open a little, then close. Levi was about to answer my question, but I think he thought over it. "I'll tell you later."
 
     I felt anger flare up in me. "No, Levi!" I tried my best to calm down, regain my composure. I tried again, using a calmer voice this time. "I'm tired of everyone avoiding me for the past few days. Where's [First]?"
 
     He could see I was desperate for an answer about her. Levi looked at me for a bit, and fear arose inside me. Was she dead? If she was why did no one tell me? Is she injured?
 
     Levi answered my question alright. He did it straightforward, not even bothering to sugarcoat it. I didn't expect it. Disbelief struck me like lightning as the words came out of his mouth. Was it true? No, Levi deadpans sometimes while joking. 
 
     But, he wasn't deadpanning or joking. Levi was serious. 
 
     [First] helped out Annie Leonheart. The Female Titan. She was apart of the Titan's side.